Losing You

Same old same old here! Sadly, her decline continues and continence is quite an issue!  It’s getting much more difficult for me to manage if I’m honest.  I’m beginning to find it hard work … servant … nurse … cook … everything, with no feedback or appreciation.

 It amazes me that throughout this whole process of degeneration she has hardly ever shown any awareness of her condition. Even when the specialist told us that she had Alzheimer’s it didn’t seem to get through to her. It doesn’t seem to upset her at all. Better for her- not so good for me

 Back then we had seen both our mothers suffer from dementia and she would say “If I ever get like that I would kill myself. The sad irony is that now she doesn’t even know she has it

 We used to do the housework together – cleaning, maintenance, gardening. Each of us had things we could rely on the other to do. Now I have to do everything myself. It’s like I’m living on my own – but actually it’s worse than that. It’s everything, then caring for her on top of everything else

 She always loved clothes. She had a fantastic clothes sense – style, colours, textures… and matching jewellery. She even used to make her own clothes. Now I pick what she wears every day – even down to her underwear. Sadly lots of her old clothes don’t fit her anymore. She has put on weight, which also would have really upset her. I do my best to make her look as nice as she used to look – but it’s hard

 She stopped being the woman that I fell in love with a long time ago. It has happened slowly and progressively, but I almost don’t recognise who she is now . Not so many years ago she was the love of my life – my best friend. We could share anything. Now I can’t share anything with her because she is just not there

And yet…..Sometimes there are little glimpses of how she used to be. I see a brief sparkle in her eyes. I remember the good times when we were a real couple. We laughed. We were like one. We had so much energy. So much potential. What memories….